No, You Don’t Know How I Feel

I’ve been going to group therapy sessions for the last year or so after the passing of my wife. In that time, I’ve listened to an array of people there, and in my public life tell me about their relationships with their spouses, and frankly, none of them know how I feel. I don’t know how they feel either, but I’m positive it’s not the same as me.

Some people do feel much the same way, and those people seem to have a few things in common. We all spent a lot of time with our spouses. I sure was happy while doing it, but there’s a deep debt to pay now that she died before me.

I was single for many years before meeting my spouse. I didn’t even date. I don’t have a good reason for it. I was basically screwed up.

I did make choices that led me to meet the right woman. I knew I loved her before I even asked her out. I knew after our first date that I wanted to marry her. She was the perfect woman for me. I’m not physically attractive, and I’m not sure most men would have found her attractive either.

But our strengths and weaknesses complimented each other. We had all the right things in common, and all the right differences to make a good couple. We didn’t always agree, and we weren’t always happy with each other, but we were always good for each other.

From the moment we started dating, it was us against the world. And we were hardly ever separated after that point. I have friends that have their own friends, and their own lives separate from their spouses, and that was never like that for us for more than a few hours at a time.

Again, not everything was rosy, but we were always a team against everything else. And I always KNEW that she was on my side. Even when I was wrong, she would not hold that against me, but would instead help me work through whatever it was. I’d NEVER take sides against her in anything. Heck, I didn’t even like to play on opposite teams for card games.

I’ve lost that. It was us against the world, and now it’s me. And I’m not convinced this world has anything more for me.

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