Every Day is a Struggle

I remember working with family on genealogy and wondering about times where a person would pass away within a few months of their spouse.

I had no idea. But now it’s obvious.

I have LOTS of things going for me. I have good friends. I have caring family. Yet I still struggle daily with the desire to make it to the next day.

There isn’t a day that does by where I don’t look at my pistol and visualize myself eating the barrel. Or more likely it would be a side of the head shot.

No, I’ve never been to the point where it was to my head, but I do understand now.

I live each day only for others. I don’t look forward to the future in any way anymore. I only live my life because of my obligation to others. If others didn’t depend upon me for their livelihoods, I would have surely passed on by now whether by my own hand, or by my neglect for my own safety.

Now, I talk to myself. I am only a shell. It might have been better if I could have just passed on. Aargh.